Dreams and Aspirations

I have dreams. Dreams I desire to make a reality. These dreams I speak of; they push me to be the best woman I can be and more. As long as I keep these dreams alive in my heart, I find strength to keep going every day. One day I will make Them proud. Proud to call me Daughter. I know this day will come. It may be years before it happens but until then, I dream of it every day. I have a new sense of being. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Even though life seems to be rough at times, I can rest assured that every single challenge is making me a stronger woman. I'm proud of myself. I've had to work for things that others take for granted. I am proud to work for it. Because I know that I appreciate it more than the average person.

I'm proud to say "I am Megan Bullock." That's a first for me. Thank you, Life, for pushing me beyond my limits. The limits I did not know were passable. I appreciate your pushiness.

Journey of a Lifetime.

October 10th 2012. This day I will never forget. This day is the day that changed my life forever. Walking out of the bathroom with the test showing a big fat positive in my hand. Definitely in shock for a good half hour. Roommates were going crazy and already talking about baby names and maternity pictures and all I could think was "Is this real?" The girl that swore she would never get pregnant before 25 years old and not till she was married...is pregnant? It was a lot to take in. A lot. Heart was in my stomach. After about an hour of finding out the news, all I could do was go to my room, shut the door, and drop on the bed crying. I didn't know what to think. First thing that came to my mind was the disappointment. How much my family would be disappointed in me. All the rejection I was about to face. And with those thoughts racing through my head, I thought of something I never dreamed I would think of. The A word. Yep. Abortion. I didn't see any hope in what was about to take place in the next 9 months. I was scared out of my wits. I fought this battle of making this decision for about a month or so; and when I thought I had finally made the decision for abortion, that day at work, I must have seen over 20+white moms with mixed babies. (I'm having an African-American baby, for your information). I couldn't take it. I knew someone was trying to tell me something. I got the obvious point quite clearly, really fast. I had to keep it. No questions asked. That's when the idea of adoption came to mind. But I wrestled with this thought as well. If I was going to stay pregnant, I wanted to keep the baby. Me. It was mine and no one else's. Very self centered or more so, protective thoughts were scattering my brain. How could I just give my child to someone? It felt like I would be giving a HUGE part of myself to someone else. Forever. These thoughts ran through my mind for about another month or so. When I mentioned the idea to a couple co-workers, they were not for it. I was told that by giving it up for adoption, I would just be taking the easy way out. (Wtf?) And I suppose this person would know since they're a male and have been pregnant before. Right? Yeah.....no. I blew that one off pretty fast. Shortly after that day, I was hearing more comments such as, "It will be hard for the first few years but after you get a good job, you'll be fine." Excuse me, but I would not wish a few years of hardship on anyone. Especially my own child. I could never. I want the absolute best for my baby. I brushed that comment off as well. I had made the decision that would probably be the hardest decision of my life. I was going to give my child to someone that was ready for a baby and could give it the life it deserves. I never thought I would be where I am at today. Just when life was looking like it would be going back to "normal", this little one showed up. 

Now the real hard part came along. Picking who was going to raise my child. And raise them in a way I saw appropriate. How do you make a decision like that? How do I know who is good enough to raise MY baby? Wow. The decisions I'm finding myself making these days. I looked over SO many profiles online. Out of all of them only one kind of stuck out. But they were located in Iowa. That was a bit of a no-no for me. I wanted someone that was in the same state as me at least. I stopped looking for a little while. Trying to fill out all the paper work from an agency in CA. Yeah, the west coast. Far away from where I am at. I didn't know what I was doing. Just trying to go with it, I guess. 

I was visiting my sister's for Thanksgiving. I had told a few friends that I had chosen to go with adoption. One of these friends texted me one day, asking if he could call me. Of course, I said yes and when I answered the phone, it was the last thing I was expecting for him to talk about. He had a difficult time coming out with the question. He didn't know quite how to put the question without being insensitive. I don't blame him. It would be tough for anyone to ask what he did. After a few moments of him trying to spit it out, he asked "Have you found any parents to adopt your baby yet?" Not thinking very much of the question, I told him there was this one couple I was kind of thinking about and went on to ask him why he wanted to know? He explained very nicely that he had a couple friends that just found out that they could not have kids and are looking to adopt. He went on to tell me about them and what they were like. They sounded like a nice couple but I still wasn't quite sure of anything yet. I told him that I would keep it in consideration and let him know if I was interested. Within a few days, I'm receiving a text from my friend with a link to a You Tube video. He told me the couple had made a slideshow movie that told who they were. Just the thought that this couple took the initiative to make a video for me spoke volumes. I was with my sister at the time when I watched the video. We both got a little choked up when watching it. I could see the love and how much this couple wanted to share their love with a little addition. It was so precious and melted my heart. I immediately responded to my friend telling him I was interested in getting to know this couple. They won my heart just with a video. Kind of amusing to me :) 

Within a few weeks, I was face to face with the couple. They were the cutest couple ever. I could see the anxiousness in their eyes. They were filled with so much joy. I was moving back to the Metro of OK and they had offered to assist me by providing extra helping hands. Another thing that spoke volumes to me. I hadn't even met these people yet and they wanted to help me move. After the long, tiring move, we went out to dinner. Got to know each other. It went great. I felt like I had known these people for a long time. We had so much in common. They were everything I was looking for in adoptive parents. With many tears and laughs, the night had come to a close. I never felt so peaceful about anything in my life. I knew this was couple that was meant to have my child. 

Since then, it's been almost 2 months. One thing I've enjoyed more than anything is the girl time I get to spend with the wife. She feels like a big sister. I can be completely honest when I say, I love her with my whole heart. She's inspiring to me. Her strength that she has shown is amazing. She builds me up. Whenever I have rough days, I think about her and the courage she has, and it motivates me to keep going. 

This couple is an amazing couple. I am so blessed to have met them and have the glorious opportunity to help their dreams come true. It's the greatest joy I have ever felt. They mean so much to me and this whole journey with them is wonderful.

I'm currently at 18 weeks. The due date is June 13th. I have about 4ish months left with this child. I cherish every moment I have with it. Yesterday, I got to see its face for the first time. Hear its beautiful heartbeat. I never felt so close to anyone as I did in those moments. It was busy jiggling around inside. It brought many tears to my eyes. I also found out what the sex is. For some reason, at that moment is when the tears really started flowing. This was my baby. And I got to see and hear it. Nothing will ever compare to that.

As I continue on this wild journey, there will be ups and downs, but in the end, I can rest assured that I am doing the best thing for my child. As hard as this is, as much as I want to keep it for myself, I know I am not ready. I cannot support it the way it needs. And I know for certain that the adoptive parents can. I trust them with my whole heart to raise my baby with so much care and love. I could never have asked for a better couple. They truly are my greatest blessing. 

So in close to this post, I just want to say that I have never been so confident, sad, scared, over joyed, at one time. This is shaping me into the woman I will be for the rest of my life. I thrive in learning and growing. I invite the trails because in the end, all they do is make me a stronger person.

Life is great. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Live it as much as you can. Be thankful. 

Above all, shut up and love everyone. <3 

Ye who read this, be cautioned. 

For these are the thoughts and feelings of an emotional, passionate woman.

Here are a few words to describe who I am:

a·muse 

tr.v. a·mused, a·mus·ing, a·mus·es

1. To occupy in an agreeable, pleasing, or entertaining fashion.

2. To cause to laugh or smile by giving pleasure: I was not amused by his jokes.

3. Archaic To delude or deceive.

cu·ri·ous 

adj.

1. Eager to learn more: curious investigators; a trapdoor that made me curious.

2. Unduly inquisitive; prying.

3. Arousing interest because of novelty or strangeness: a curious fact.

4. Archaic

a. Accomplished with skill or ingenuity.

b. Extremely careful; scrupulous.

wild 

adj. wild·er, wild·est

1. Occurring, growing, or living in a natural state; not domesticated, cultivated, or tamed: wild geese; edible wild plants.

2. Not inhabited or farmed: remote, wild country.

3. Uncivilized or barbarous; savage.

free 

adj. fre·er, fre·est

1. Not imprisoned or enslaved; being at liberty.

2. Not controlled by obligation or the will of another: felt free to go.

So there you have it. My first official post. I will be posting more on life's doings and what not's. This is Megan signing out. 

Prenez le temps de s'amuser.  

 If you don't know what it means, look it up.