These feelings...

I keep having these feelings. Feelings of sadness. Sad because I just want to hold my son. I just want to rock him to sleep one night. I want to hear his little breath's of life. His tiny heart beats. I miss him.


I also have feelings of self criticism. I feel at times as though I need to stop being sad and move on. Just get over it already. He's gone, Megan. Let him go. So I try to bottle my emotions up and before I know it, I'm over come with depression and can't properly express myself to my gentleman. He wants so bad to be there for me and help me but how can he do that, when I'm screaming into my pillow and not talking to him? I realize I need to welcome the emotions. Feel the sadness when I feel sad. Feel the joyfulness when I feel joyful. Feel the frustration when I'm angry. Feel the peace when I am peaceful.


Although, I miss Jacob terribly, I know one thing is true....he is being loved so much, every moment of every day. I still feel kinda sad. Will this feeling ever go away? I'm not sure but I will be strong. I will take one day at a time. As I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks, I realize how precious life is. All the small things I used to be so worked up over, don't even matter anymore. They don't mean anything to me now. I just have a bigger perspective on life and the blessings that we receive every day.


I may need to under go some therapy. I may just need to get away from everything for a while. I may just attempt to escape into another world in my head tonight. It sure feels as if there is a war going on in there.

These feelings...why do we feel? I rest assured and welcome these feelings with open arms.

Physical/Emotional Pain.

Well, on June 11th 2013 at 2:58PM, I gave birth to my first born son, Jacob Matthew. He was 8 lbs, and 20 inches long. Perfection right in front of me. I couldn't have asked for a more handsome little man. Josh and I and the adoptive parents fell so deeply in love with him the moment we saw him.

Tuesday, June 11th at 4:15AM, Josh and I woke up to head to the hospital for me to be induced. At this time, I had been in early labor for 13 days and labor had stalled when I dialated to a 4. Due to this, I chose to be induced. We arrived at the hospital at 5AM and got admitted in no time. Adoptive mom, arrived within a few minutes. As we're all getting settled into the delivery room, reality had hit like never before. I couldn't believe that this was the day we would meet our precious baby boy and that it was my job to bring him into the world. Lots of pressure...emotionally and physically.

After filling out some papers and getting changed, I received an IV and the Pitocin. I chose to wait to have my water broke as I would've been stuck in bed to prevent a risk of the cord sliding out and leading to an emergency C-section. Josh and the adoptive mom kept my mind busy and they were so supportive the whole time. They even had a competition to see who could give me a better foot massage. With much love to Josh, the adoptive mom won fair and square. They provided a cheerful atmosphere and were so willing to help me in any way they could.

At about 7:30AM, my doctor, Dr. Ryan came in to see how I was doing. They checked my cervix and was still at a 4. They bumped up the Pitocin a little but Dr. Ryan said I probably wasn't going to get much further without them breaking my water. So, they gave me another hour or so but planned to break my water after that. At this time, the contractions weren't that painful yet. Even though the Pitocin was set to 14. I was sleeping through contractions. I slept like a baby for the next hour and a half. It was some very much needed sleep for what I was about to go through.

At about 9AM they came in to break my water. It took just a couple minutes to break it and was painless...but not for long. As soon as it broke, I became overwhelmed with emotion. I started crying and experienced what felt like seizures due to the Pitocin being so high. Within less than two minutes of my water being broke, the contractions hit me like a train. One after the other. Lasting about 30-45 seconds long and barely 10-15 seconds apart. Pain level was through the roof. As every contraction got worse, I got more and more nauseous. They gave me some medicine to help it go down but that only lasted for about 5 minutes. Adoptive mom and Josh immediately started tag teaming to help put pressure on my hips trying to keep the pain down during contractions. I was laying on my left side and it helped for about 10 minutes then it got so bad, is was as if they weren't even touching me anymore. We had the temperature set all the way down in that room and I was dripping sweat. The pain over took me and I had a hard time breathing. The shakes were so bad that Josh had to hold my legs down and he was even struggling to do so. At this time, adoptive mom called adoptive dad to let him know things were getting intense and for him to head down there. It had been about 45 minutes of the most excruciating pain in my life when I started questioning if I could do this epidural free. I started saying things like "I don't think I can do this anymore." and "I think I want the epidural." but I couldn't come out with it. The entire pregnancy, I wanted to go drug free. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. But with at least another 6-8 hours of labor, I knew my body well enough to know that I would not have any strength left to get the baby out when it came time to push. It was at that moment, I decided to get the Epidural.

Less than 10 minutes had gone by when the doctor came in to give me the epidural. It was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. The hardest part was trying to keep the shakes down and breathe through the contractions as he was putting in the medicine. It took about 15 minutes for the whole procedure. I had to breathe through about 3 more contractions before the drugs set in. But once they did, it felt like I was in heaven. I could actually breathe without hyperventilating. I could smile again. It's never felt so good to smile, LOL! Right at this time was when adoptive dad arrived. We told him about how he had missed all the action. But the real action had yet to come.

From that moment on, things went really smooth. My cervix was dailating rapidly and I was able to get plenty of rest. As were the adoptive parents and Josh. By around 3:15pm, the doctor that was assisting my doctor came in and checked my cervix. It was gone! Time to start pushing. Things were moving so fast I felt like I couldn't catch up with everyone. It was really challenging trying to figure out how to push and what muscles to use. After a few times of pushing, I finally got the hang of it and that's when they called in Dr. Ryan. He was there in less than 5 minutes and immediately started cheering me on! I don't know how many people were in there but it felt like a whole cheer squad. I felt so much love and support from everyone in the room. It was so hard trying to get Jacob out but everyone was telling me how good of a job I was doing. It kept me going. Josh was on one side of me while adoptive mom was on the other side with adoptive dad behind her catching the precious moment on camera. Within a few minutes, I heard Josh say "His head is out." This had my heart racing and I would start crying in between pushes. I couldn't believe in just a matter of moments, I would be meeting my son.
After a couple more pushes...there he was. My precious baby boy. My heart was over flowing with love and pride. I sobbed as I gazed at this precious baby. Dr. Ryan came up to me and told me how proud he was of me. Josh and adoptive mom were also telling me how great of a job I did. It truly was a moment I will never forget. As the doctors took him over to get cleaned up, I just looked into Josh's eyes. I was so happy and so sad at the same time. I'd look over to my baby and hear him cry...I still remember exactly what he sounded like...

 After he was cleaned and weighed, adoptive mom held him and fed him. I just looked on with pride inside my heart. This woman that had been waiting over 3 years for this was finally a mother. You will never know what this felt like for me. With tears running down her cheeks, she held him close to her chest. I knew this woman was going to be the best mother I could ever want for my son. Adoptive dad leaned over her shoulder and watched with pride. This was the start of their journey as parents. I couldn't imagine how over whelmed with joy they must have been. It was such an honor to be used by God to bless this couple with a child. I have no doubt they will raise our son to be a man of love and honor.


A few moments after Jacob was done eating, adoptive mom brought him over for me to hold him. The tears started pouring in. I was trembling. Josh was right there with his arm around my back. We couldn't take our eyes off of Jacob. For the past 38+ weeks, we had felt this little guy inside my tummy, had numerous doctor appointments, and even grew a love for each other that we didn't know was possible. That's right. God and the pregnancy had brought us so close together. I think I will write a book about our story someday. It truly is an inspiring one. It keeps us inspired, anyways.

After I held Jacob for a little bit, it was Josh's turn. Believe me when I tell you, nothing melts your heart as watching a new Daddy hold his son for the first time. It's a heart warming moment like no other. I was so proud to call this man, My man. He was so gentle with Jacob. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes then looked back at his son and didn't look up again 'till he handed him back to me. I knew he was feeling all kinds of emotions. Some that I didn't feel. We were so proud to call this baby ours. A little while later, Josh handed him to me so I could hold him a little while longer. I kissed his face over and over again. I whispered "I love you" over and over again.  I was so blessed to be holding this little life in my arms. Finally...

But just as quick as he was there, he was gone. We got to spend a few hours with him during the next 24 hours. They were moments I will hold dear in my heart forever. Nothing has ever impacted my life like my own son has. He has managed to grab a hold of my heart more than anyone else.

The moments where Josh and I said our "See you later"'s, we each sat on the floor on opposite sides of the bed with Jacob in the middle of the bed. We leaned over with not a lot to say. Just cried and held his little hands. As we sat there and stared, I couldn't help but think of the song, You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins. I wanted to start singing it but before I got the chance, Josh asked if I knew what song he was thinking of. I paused thinking it was impossible for us to be thinking of the exact same song. He told me and I said I was just about to sing it. With tears streaming down both of our faces, I asked if he wants to sing it with me. As we tried to stop crying (so that we wouldn't butcher the song), we gently sang it to him. We all three were holding hands as Josh and I mumbled out the lyrics through the many tears. It was a very magical, bittersweet moment.

As the time came for Jacob to be discharged with the adoptive parents, we said our goodbyes to the adoptive parents. We hugged it out for a good while. I knew these two were going to be amazing parents. And just like that, they were out the door...

Something inside me wanted to run out there and grab my son. I wanted just one more moment with him. But there would not have been enough 'moments' to have to make me okay. Josh held me and told me to let it all out. I've never cried so hard in my life. It seriously felt like a physical pain. As if something was ripped away from me. Although I knew Josh and I were choosing to do this, I had never been so close to changing my mind as I was right then. I knew I just had to cling to Josh's chest and cry as long as I needed to. After about 20 minutes of standing there, we made our way to the bed for me to sit. He brought me tissues and I just kept crying. You'd think someone would run out of tears to cry. Ha...yeah right. For the next couple hours, we sat and held each other. We didn't really talk much for a while. Nurses would come and go but it all seems like a blur. All I could think of then was our precious baby. Josh and I ordered some dinner then relaxed a bit. We stayed a second night due to my physical pain level.

The next day we got discharged around 3:30. The nurse sent Josh to get the car as she escorted me through the hospital to where he was waiting. As we walked down the halls of Joyful Beginnings, it took everything in me to not break down. Hearing babies crying, seeing the photos on the hallway walls, and I was walking out empty handed. Most of the nurses knew who I was and they were so kind to tell me they were inspired by what I had done and that they were sending prayers my way.

As I got to the car with Josh, we loaded our things up and left. By this time, I was feeling a brand new emotion. I was convinced that Jacob was still at the hospital and that I was abandoning him. I had to keep telling myself that he wasn't there but it was a tough battle. I felt horrible. I wanted to go back and get him. This feeling lasted for almost 2 days. Then that weekend, we drove by the hospital and something settled inside me. I knew he was in good hands and I didn't need to feel worried about him.
For the first time since departing from him, I felt a sense of okayness. I could breathe again. I felt like I could think about something else for once. I felt a peace. It was a precious peace that settled in my heart.

It's been 2 weeks and and 6 days. It feels like it's been months. These have been the longest days of my life. I wish they would speed up a little bit instead of dragging on. I still keep in touch with adoptive mom. We message from time to time. I see her updates via Facebook and her blog on how Jacob is doing. He's still just as angelic as ever. They're so happy and I am looking forward to seeing how he grows with them.

In my heart, he will always be my little baby. He will always be my first born. I hope that someday we can be reunited. But if that never happens, I will be okay. Because I know that Josh and I have done exactly what we  were supposed to. For Jacob and God. We will always look back on this with humility and love. It has been a journey we will never ever forget. We love Jacob more than anything and thank God every day for blessing us with little Jacob. Our precious first born.

Coming to a Close.

It's been nearly 10 months. Seems like such a short time when I think about it. If you came to me 10 months ago and asked me what love was, I would've had a very vague, cliche answer. I had an idea of what it was but not a very accurate one. Since then, I've had this precious little life growing inside of me. Something I never knew would have such an impact on me. As I look down and see my tummy, I still can't believe there's a little baby in there. I wrap my arms around myself. I feel that's the closest way to hug the little life. For so long, I couldn't wait to get this over with. I didn't know how I would feel as this journey came to a close. I feel sad. This is my child. My firstborn. Always will be. As they grow inside me, I can't help but think about how fragile their tiny life is. This tiny human has been depending on me for the past 10 months for survival and that's about to come to an end. That responsibility is about to be gone. What will I do with myself when this happens?

Most couples are over-joyed when the little one is about to arrive. I, on the other hand, am having mixed emotions. Once this baby enters the world, it will only be a short time till we say "See you later". How much later, I do not know. But one thing I do know is this journey is just beginning for the little one and the adoptive parents. I see the overwhelming gleam of joy in their eyes and it warms my heart. 

Then come the hormones. Am I going to be okay when I send my baby away? Will I ever get better? Overcome the heartache? Oh, how I am so terrified of the pain I am about to feel. How can I miss someone so much after such a short time of being with them? How in the world can I feel so much love and affection for one person? How has this tiny life grabbed my heart so harshly that I cry at the very thought of letting them go? That's talent. 

I cannot wait to finally meet my child. To hold them in my arms for the first time. Kiss them. Hug them. Gaze at every detail of their face. I didn't know such little things would be so special with one person. 

I know this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I also know that years from now, I will look back and be so thankful for the adoptive parents. I know they are going to be the most amazing parents I could ever want for my child. 

But for now, I have to get over the emotional hurdle. When I am sent home from the hospital, I know it will take a long time to deal with the raging emotions. 

I pray God can spare me an angel to comfort me through these next few months. I know He is looking down with pride. 

I pray that someday, my child and I can be reunited. 
Until then, I will lean on God for strength. I know I cannot do this on my own. Which is why I'm glad I am not on my own. 

This journey...

This journey.....the journey I've been on for years; it blows my mind. I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness and compassion. How precious life is and how often we forget that. As I sit here and type this with little baby kicking up a storm, I realize how much there is to look forward to. I've had this sense of my life being over once I have the baby and give it to J & R. I don't know why I've felt like this. I guess it's because I can't imagine going through anything more challenging/exciting/bittersweet. But then I remember...I'm only 21. I've got my whole life ahead of me. That, right there, is enough to get me excited.

The past 6 1/2 months have been nothing short of amazing/terrifying. New experiences every day. That's a lot to deal with. :) As I am entering my 3rd trimester, I can't help but think about what the adoptive parents are feeling. This dream they've had for years is about to come true. What is even more crazy is that I get to help make that dream come true! What an amazing opportunity! I know they will be the most amazing parents for our child. I honestly, could not have asked for a better couple. Through the past few months, I've been able to spend time with both of them.

The one on one time I get to spend with the adoptive mom is priceless. I feel like she's my sister. The talks/laughs/tears/fears/joys we share together will always be remembered. I admire her strength and courage. To go through such an experience such as Infertility, and make it out alive and with her head held high, is so encouraging to me. She is someone I look up to and admire oh, so much.

I thank God for this experience. It is and will be a life changing one. I welcome the challenges. I look forward to seeing where I am at in a year or two. One thing I know for sure; at that time, I will know in my heart that I made the best decision for my child. I know for a fact that they are being loved and cherished every day and that is something that will forever brighten my days.

Alone Time with my Heart.

Welp, it's now 5:40 AM. I've been up since 1:30 AM. Within these past 4 hours, I've learned to stand up for myself and say no to horny guys. I learned life is more than getting the guy. I learned I want to explore the world. I planned a trip to Spain. I discovered my life song. Caught up with an old friend. I realized I am loving who I'm becoming. Truly loving it. I also came to the conclusion that when you put two forgiving, accepting, non-judgmental people together, you've got the perfect pair of love birds. Oh, the benefits of being alone with my heart.

Let it go and Wait.

Just let it go and wait. I've done all that I can with all that I have. Now is the time to wait. Whatever is supposed to happen will surely happen. Provision is perfect. These statements of truth are what get me through my day. As soon as I let all the worrying go, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Besides the pregnancy weight. That's still there :)

I've got 17 weeks left. Crazy. My life is changing every day. This journey has been one I will never forget. It's like I'm living a story I would read about in a novel. It's an emotional roller coaster. Learning something new every single day. Just when I think I've learned all I can, life throws another lesson at me. I'm blessed to be able to learn and grow in so many ways I didn't know were possible. Everything is going to be okay.

Life; you have been rough on me. But I'm grateful for the challenges. They're making me strong. Thank you.

Dreams and Aspirations

I have dreams. Dreams I desire to make a reality. These dreams I speak of; they push me to be the best woman I can be and more. As long as I keep these dreams alive in my heart, I find strength to keep going every day. One day I will make Them proud. Proud to call me Daughter. I know this day will come. It may be years before it happens but until then, I dream of it every day. I have a new sense of being. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. Even though life seems to be rough at times, I can rest assured that every single challenge is making me a stronger woman. I'm proud of myself. I've had to work for things that others take for granted. I am proud to work for it. Because I know that I appreciate it more than the average person.

I'm proud to say "I am Megan Bullock." That's a first for me. Thank you, Life, for pushing me beyond my limits. The limits I did not know were passable. I appreciate your pushiness.